Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
