So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I am available for nakedness
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
