The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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