Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
