he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
