Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
