Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
