i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just want nice things and good sex
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
