And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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