It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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