she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i will never coherently bang her
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
