I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
