The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
