So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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