I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
