i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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