it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
