If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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