Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
