at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
