just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Two words: blizzard sex
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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