come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
