All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
