Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
