So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
