Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
