What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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