normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
