Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
