all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
