Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
