She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
