dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
