New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
