here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
