now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
