I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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