I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Let's paint friendship bongs
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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