Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
