She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
be right there i have to get my cape
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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