Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
