I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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