Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
