Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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