mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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