My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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