I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
