i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
