:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
