I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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